Just As You Are Now
by AstaLaila
Summary: Remus, through the Marauder Days, into the first and second Order of the Phoenix, and the years between. What has brought him to where he is.


Disclaimer……….I have no rights to any one here. I own no one. No man has the right to own the life of another. Unless of course you invent them….Then I suppose you do. I didn't though……so…..right. Yeah. None of these characters are mine.

* * *

James was dangling Snape upside-down again, taunting him, as Lily stormed off. Remus didn't approve of this, for many reasons, but he was envious of James for his freedom. Remus would have loved to be Sirius and James. He had the ability to be just as loud, just as confident, just as arrogant, to stand out as much as either of them. He just couldn't. He knew that the fewer people who noticed him, the fewer that would notice when he disappeared several days a month. It was safer this way. Miserable, confining at times, frustrating, but safer.

That was why he was always wary for James and Sirius to pick on Severus Snape. Severus hated them, but he loathed Remus and Peter nearly as much for their connections and their popularity. The more they taunted, to more Severus watched them all. And Remus had an uncomfortable feeling that Snape was suspicious from the look he gave every time he returned to class from several day's absences only to receive a sympathetic smile from McGonagall. It was unsettling for Remus. He knew that Snape would hold nothing back if he figured it out. There would be nothing Remus could do. He would lose everything he had gained in the past years at Hogwarts. His future would be even more gray.

"Oi, Prongs. Lay off it." Remus rolled his eyes and threw his book at the back of James's legs. "I, uh, I want to go get something to eat. I'm starving and it's hours to dinner." James looked back for a moment and saw the pleading note in Remus's eyes. Sirius noted too.

"Yeah, P. Let's stop wasting our time on this and get on to something worthwhile." Sirius put a gentle pressure on James's foot with his own. James sighed a little.

"You're right." He let Snape fall head first into a pile with a thump. "I'm famished myself." He said flippantly, with a glance back at Remus. Remus retrieved his book from James's feet.

"Thanks." He whispered subtly. James patted his back and hefted an arm over his shoulder, and another over Sirius's.

"Honeydukes or Broomsticks?" He questioned happily. Sirius grinned, cautiously pulling out the Marauder's Map as they entered the great doors. Peter was trailing a step behind them off of Sirius's side.

"How about both?" Sirius suggested.

"What happened? Why'd you stop James?" Peter wheezed from beside them. Sirius shook his head in disgust.

"You haven't the brains God gave a gnome, do you Wormtail."

" It was nothing Peter. Just got bored is all." James shrugged.

" Oh…" Peter frowned for a moment. " Did you say something about food then?" The other three let out mildly exasperated expressions and turned down a corridor.

* * *

Remus walked slowly up the stairs, shivering just a little at the evening chill. He hadreturned to Hogwarts a few weeks early, as his parents had been called off to Spain for a conference, and his transformation this month was going to be particularly difficult because of an eclipse. James and Sirius, who had been bunking at the Potter's since he ran away from his own home the last Christmas, had both come up with him. The full moon was the next night, and Remus was already feeling off as he knocked at Dumbledore's office and pushed inside. Dumbledore looked up from behind his small glasses and smiled vaguely, but his eye looked sad.

"Mr. Lupin." He gestured towards a soft chair and Remus sat down.

"I-" Dumbledore pressed his fingers together and began, but Remus interjected awkwardly.

"I know why I'm here." He swallowed rather thickly at his own words. He was being rather abrupt, even rude, but he just wanted to get his over with.

"I see... Then you are also aware why I cannot offer you the position of head boy this year." Remus nodded dutifully, but couldn't bring himself to reply. Dumbledore's eyes softened as he stood up and walked over to the chair. He laid his hand gently on the tall boy's shoulder. Excepting Peter, it was another mark of the Marauders, their height. The three of them all easily passed six feet, which only made them stand out further. "I'm sorry Remus. You know this has nothing to do with your capabilities. If it were, I assure you there is no question of your suitability. You are an exceptional student." Dumbledore paused for a moment, and looked at Remus with a sad sparkle in his eye. " Whether you let others discover it or not."

"But it is more." Remus said, as he pushed gently against his sore knuckles, feeling the tension release temporarily.

"Yes," Dumbledore paced across to the window. " Head's duties are difficult. Time-consuming, on top of all other things. NEWTs. Difficult classes. Friends. They can be tiring at times."

"And you can't have your head boy convalescing one week on, three weeks off on top of it all. I'd miss things too. And people would notice I missed them. I wouldn't just beanother prefect. It's too dangerous." Remus said stonily.

"It's even more complicated. Astronomically, you face a very difficult year."

Dumbledore continued. Remus nodded. He had done the forecasting charts himself over the summer, and he was in for more difficult moons then any year before.

"I suppose I have to get used to it. One more year, and it will be more difficult than ever.No one will plant Whomping Willows, or change test schedules to fit the moon phases anymore. It's time to start adjusting." He sighed, letting his eyes harden. Dumbledore was saddened by the resignation he heard in Remus's voice. He was too young for this, but he had already grown up inside. Dumbledore was glad for James and Sirius. They were often wild, reckless, even dangerous in their immaturity and youth, but it was exactly what Dumbledore would have prescribed for Remus. They shook the boy up, pulled him out of the pain he had been surrounded in before Hogwarts. And he rather tempered them. It was quite the perfect arrangement, and he was glad the boys would be there tonight. It wasn't just the disappointment of losing head boy, it was the beginning of a reminder to Lupin of the limitations that would be on his life, his stumbling block in the years to come.

"Yes…Well, I suppose I must decide then… Thank you Remus." Remus stood up and made to leave, but turned at the door.

"Might I make a suggestion?"

"Of course." Dumbledore looked to the boy.

"James." Remus stated quite seriously.

"James Potter?" Dumbledore raised his eyebrows in mirth.

"I know." Remus gave a tight smile. "But he's very talented, intelligent, quidditch captain, well liked and respected. And all the professors like him, and the students. Well, most of the students." Remus frowned at the thought of Snape.

"He is rather…active though. And no doubt he is intelligent…" Dumbledore thought aloud.

"He will be more responsible. This year, he will. He wants auror training, like his uncle. He'll work hard." Remus reported.

"And as an example? His behaviour." Dumbledore smiled again.

"His best, although that's not saying a great deal." Remus conceded.

"James Potter….Not Mr. Black then?" Dumbledore's eyes sparkled mischievously.

"Not if you value your life. He'd be furious. Believes he has his reputation to uphold."

"Of course. Mr.Potter then…. Thank you Remus." Dumbledore looked pensive, but rather pleased.

"Right." Remus nodded and slipped out the door. Once outside and down the stairs he scuffed his shoe rather violently against the corner. He took the long way back to the tower, raging and ranting an argument inside of his head against a great many things. By the time he pushed an indignant portrait out of the way more quickly, he was fuming on the inside. Sirius and James turned from the fire, where they had been trying to make popcorn somewhat in the muggle way over the fire.

"Moony, mate, come on over." Sirius waved him over to the large, soft pillows they had transfigured from marshmallows in front of the fire. James grinned at him.

"So what's the good news?" Remus stood stiffly in front of them. James cocked his head.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't want you guys tomorrow." Remus frowned, and his voice was short, clipped.

Sirius turned quickly, the deck of cards he had been fooling about with continuing to shuffle themselves in midair.

"What do you mean? It's going to be a rough night Moon, you need us tomorrow night more than usual." Sirius looked at Remus as though he was being foolish.

"No I don't." Lupin's voice was raising and both boys were confused.

"Rem…" James started to stand up.

"NO. I just want to be left alone. By EVERYONE," He stated emphatically, but both James and Sirius noticed how his voice broke a little.

"What happened mate?" James started again, standing to place a hand on Remus's arm. Remus shrugged away from him.

"I'm going to the Shack tomorrow night instead. No run. Just me. I just want to be by myself." Remus pushed towards the dormitory stair as Sirius stood up.

"Stop being an ass Moony." He said kindly. Remus swallowed thickly. He wanted them to follow him upstairs, but wanted to push them away even more. They were all suddenly distracted as, left untended, the unlidded popcorn began to shoot about the common room with suspicious violence and colour. Remus took the momentary distraction to slip away, but as he mounted the steps, and Sirius fought back the projectile kernels with the recovered lid, James yelled back.

"Bloody hell, Remus, what did Dumbledore say to you?"

"Congratulations James." Remus replied quietly. "You're head boy this year." James caught the look of defeat and sadness in Remus's face. Sirius turned in surprise, getting a corn in the side of the face in return.

"Prongs? What about you Remus?" Sirius looked as surprised as James.

"You're a shoe in Moony!" James replied, looking more confused and upset than pleased.

"Well, I've been shoed out. I should get some rest. You know. Long night tomorrow." Remus said flippantly, with a bitter note. James and Sirius watched his back disappear behind the curving stairs.

"Oh damn." James sighed in realization and fell back to the pillows.

"It's because of it, right?" Sirius said, gesturing angrily at the moon.

"If I had to guess…." James nodded.

"It's not fair." Sirius grumbled, throwing a kernel into the fire, where it mysteriously sizzled and let off blue sparks.

"No. I don't suppose so." James stared into the fire. They needed to give Remus some time to cool off. Otherwise he wouldn't let them come with him tomorrow night, and then who knew what would happen to him in this state.

"But you?" Sirius said with a sad grin. James shook his head.

"I'll never understand where Dumbledore gets his ideas." James said with a weak smile of his own.

"Well, suppose congratulations are in order then Prongs." Sirius lifted his bottle ofButterbeer.

"Yeah, good for me." James sighed, knocking his own against it. Both of them glanced towards the dormitory stairs.


End file.
